The Definition of Undateable

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Commitment phobia is a specific condition which may include some or all of the following behaviours:

• Wanting an intimate relationship while running from it
• Becoming distant when the other person tries to get close
• Turning on the charm when the other person pulls away
• Sabotaging a relationship by deliberately hurting the other person

As with other phobias, commitment phobia is an irrational fear that may be unconscious. It took me years to notice a pattern in my relationships where I would get more scared the closer I got to someone. I’d start finding all sorts of reasons why the relationship wouldn’t work. When the relationship finally ended because of my unreasonable behaviour, I felt relieved and almost happy.

When I started to understand why I was so afraid of commitment, I identified several separate yet related fears at play.

Fear of being trapped
This stems from thinking that decisions are permanent, and that there was no way out if things didn’t work out.

• Overcome it: When you start to feel trapped, mentally construct a back door that will be your escape route if necessary. Give yourself permission to divorce, or move back in with your parents. Just knowing that there is a way out helps.

Fear of making a wrong choice
Being with the ‘right’ person is fine and dandy. The fear is of being trapped with the ‘wrong’ person.

• Overcome it: Accept that there will be friction even with the best of partners, and decide to work through problems when they arise instead of jumping to the false conclusion that you must have chosen the wrong person.  

Fear of unmet needs
The problem with a ‘wrong’ choice is that our own needs end up not being met, and this results in an unfulfilled life.

• Overcome it: When you feel unhappy, ask yourself what need is not being met, then find a way to meet that need on your own. If you miss companionship, ask a friend out to lunch. If you need physical touch, sign up for a massage.  

Fear of loss
Commitment entails forgoing alternative partners even if a more attractive option comes along later. The idea of loss is usually painful.

• Overcome it: Understand that there is a loss either way. If you commit to a partner, you lose the chance to meet other people. If you don’t commit, you lose the chance to experience a loving relationship.  

Fear of an imagined scenario
We might fear being abused or neglected. This usually arise from having witnessed abuse or neglect in our parents’ marriages.

• Overcome it: Decide what action you will take should the feared scenario actually happen. Then file this away for possible future use, and spend your energy now imagining the best.